


made with adrenaline

by blueabsinthe



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Communication Failure, Confessions, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s03e08, First Kiss, Idiots in Love, M/M, Post 3.08 - Malfunction, Post-Episode: s03e08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 23:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21557647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueabsinthe/pseuds/blueabsinthe
Summary: “For now, do you think you could settle for just me?”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 13
Kudos: 355





	made with adrenaline

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is actually the second fic I've written that's post-episode eight related, albeit the tamer interpretation. I was working on a follow up to [don't need your heart 'cause i got mine](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21449341), but a re-watch of episode eight prompted this. Guess you just gotta go with what hits you, right? 
> 
> Title from the song 'Higher' by The Naked and Famous.

“Hell of a day,” Buck says as he readjusts his bag. 

Eddie turns his attention away from his phone to glance toward Buck. Buck’s presence isn’t unwelcome, but the slight kick in Eddie’s heartbeat as he looks up at him was. 

“Sure was.” 

Buck shifts his weight and watches Eddie’s movements, his eyes bright and questioning. “What’d Bobby want this morning? It seemed -”

Eddie tries to hide his expression, but he knows Buck saw the way his eyes flashed at his question. He frowns, looking down at his phone as it chirps with an incoming message. Eddie wants to tell Buck, he really does, but he can’t seem to get the words to come out. He can think of a thousand reasons not to say anything about the fight club, or his talk with Bobby. Trouble was, for every one of those thousand reasons, Eddie could come up with a thousand and one reasons why talking to Buck was probably the best thing to do. 

_Fighting was supposed to be a healthy outlet, not an obsession._

_Eddie, you need to talk to someone._

Lena’s words replay over and over in his mind. As much as he wanted to deny it, Lena was right. He did need to talk to someone. He couldn’t keep going on like this.

When Eddie finally looks up, Buck is watching him, eyes bright and familiar. Eddie can see the concern lingering in Buck’s stare. He runs a hand over the side of his neck, licks his lips, and thinks about Lena’s words again. It would be so easy to tell Buck everything. Instead, Eddie tucks his phone away and brushes past Buck, mumbling something about how he has to pick up Christopher. The weight of Buck’s eyes and the questions simmering in the blue depths follow Eddie long after the door to the locker room is shut. 

Traffic was hell, and Eddie was sweltering underneath his shirt. His thoughts were a mess and it felt like a slow death. Buck’s hurt expression as he left the locker room was burned into this memory and the endless replay of his conversation with Bobby played over and over again in his head. 

_I wasn’t enough._

He gripped the steering wheel tight - so tight - his hands were shaking. 

Eddie felt like he was hanging onto a life preserver and it was slipping out of his grasp inch by inch. He was sure this was how drowning on dry land feels. Each breath a struggle, gasping for every breath. Each intake of air a blessing.

He almost - _almost_ \- convinced himself the fighting would make him stronger, more able to deal with everything, but in the end, he knew it only made him more vulnerable. If his talk with Bobby was any indication of where his head was at. 

Eddie stops for groceries with Christopher in tow. He was operating on auto-pilot as they wandered the grocery aisles. It isn’t until after getting the groceries loaded and Christopher buckled in, that he realizes he’s bought all the ingredients to cook Buck’s favourites. He wants to laugh at the universe and it’s not-so-subtle-way of telling him what his dinner plans were going to be for the night. 

It’s approaching a quarter to eight when Eddie finds himself on Buck’s doorstep. He fidgets with the bags he’s carrying while he waits for Buck to answer. Buck finally opens the door, looking like life, light, and summer in his dark flannel button down. In his red henley and faded jeans, Eddie felt colourless. 

He offers Buck a small smile and holds up the bags. “Peace offering for earlier today?”

Buck shrugs, before swinging to door wide and gesturing for Eddie to come inside.

“You didn’t bring Christopher?”

Eddie shakes his head as he heads for the kitchen. “Dropped him at a friends house for a sleepover after buying groceries. He was super excited.” 

“I’ll bet.” Buck eyes the groceries with uncertainty. “Your idea of a peace offering is buying me groceries?”

Eddie laughs, rolling up his shirt sleeves. “Nope. I’m going to cook for you. That’s the peace offering.”

Buck shrugs, before he goes to the sink to wash his hands. “If you say so. Want help?”

Eddie looks over at Buck, can feel the warmth radiating off of Buck in waves. He hands Buck a drying towel, doing his best to hide the trembling in his hands. “Sure.”

Eddie was grateful for the distraction from his churning thoughts as they went about preparing Buck’s favourite meal. He was anxious and on edge all through dinner prep, and it seemed to get worse the closer it actually got to having dinner. 

_I’ll tell him after dinner,_ Eddie resolved. 

They eat in relative silence, save for a few extended moments where their eyes catch and hold before the moment passes. 

“I didn’t plan dessert or anything,” Eddie says after the last of the plates were loaded into the dishwasher. “And as much as this was supposed to be a peace offering type of meal, I still think we should talk.”

Buck stares at the countertop, running his index finger along the surface. “I’m listening.” His blue eyes were liquid steel and looked somewhat remote and guarded.

Eddie felt all his anger and anxiety recede, and part of him was angry. Angry, because if he stayed mad, he could still hide behind everything. He could still pretend he wasn’t as vulnerable as he felt.

He reaches a hand out, fingers brushing against Buck’s. Eddie watches as Buck jumped at the contact, almost as if his simple brush of fingers had burned him. Eddie offers Buck a small smile moments later and squeezes his hand. 

“I fucked up.”

“Go on.”

Eddie suddenly felt out of breath, the adrenaline coursing through his veins threatening to overwhelm him. Buck waited patiently for him to continue. _Breathe. Slow and steady._ “You probably know I had a long talk with Bobby today,” he began. Eddie’s heartbeat was starting to increase, but he pressed on. “I … he helped me realize I haven’t been fair to you or anyone. And, god, I just … there’s so much I want to say … so much has happened.”

Buck gestures to the kitchen table and they both sink into chairs. Before Eddie can say anything, Buck reaches out, pressing a hand to Eddie’s cheek. “Just start from wherever you think would be best.”

Eddie bit his bottom lip, the tears welling up in his eyes. “I just … everything happened so fast and …” he trailed off, realizing he was out of breath. _Breathe, it’ll be okay,_ Eddie reminded himself, before he tried again, “It could take a while.”

“I’ve got time.” 

Buck’s words seem to be all the prompting Eddie needs before all the words he feels like he’s swallowed down all this time come pouring out of him. All the words he wanted to say and had not said to anyone come rushing out of him like a dam bursting. Eddie thought he lost them forever, but maybe not; perhaps they had been waiting for the right person and the right moment. 

He tells Buck how he felt like he let Christopher down because he wasn’t there for him when he was a baby. How he was so angry about forgiving Shannon for leaving and then letting her back into his and Christopher’s life and it still didn’t seem like enough. 

Eddie’s not sure how long him and Buck talked for, only he was exhausted when he finally finished talking. He slumps in his seat, watching Buck carefully. A few more tense minutes ticked by before Buck broke the silence by clearing his throat.

“You know you’re enough, right?” Buck squeezes Eddie’s hand. “Christopher adores you and you are doing a great job with him. You could never fail him.” 

Eddie bit his bottom lip, fighting back tears. “Everything is just … I don’t know when everything got so fucked up. God, I just wish I knew when I’d feel like a whole person again. Not just some empty shell of a person going through the motions.” 

“We’ll figure it out,” Buck says reassuringly. “You’ll know.” 

“I do know one thing,” Eddie starts, “I just … I don’t want to lose you,” he finally admits. “Christopher would be heartbroken and so would I.” He reaches a hand out to touch Buck’s arm, but at the last minute, he thought better and pulled away. “Mine and Christopher’s life is brighter with you in it.”

Buck’s eyes were soft as he turned them to look at him. Eddie watches as he rises from his seat, crosses the space separating them, deliberately slowing when he was a few feet from him. 

Eddie backed up, the back of the chair digging into the small of his back. The silence stretched for what seemed hours and Eddie could practically hear as his heart broke. The sound from his chest so loud it was deafening. He was almost sure Buck could hear it too. Eddie waited, willing his heart to stop their frantic palpitations, his hands fiddling with a loose thread on his shirt. He was so sure Buck was embarrassed for him, and he was trying to work up a way to tell him. 

_It’s not like that between us. It can’t be like that for us. We can move on, and I’ll always be there for you and Christopher. But that’s it. We’re just …_

Eddie can almost hear the words play out in front of him. Can almost see the pity in Buck’s eyes. 

He wants to make a joke, anything to lighten the tension in the room. Then, after a couple agonizingly tense minutes, Eddie watches Buck as he takes his hand. Buck sighed and pulled Eddie out of his chair so they’re both at eye level, before his lips brush softly across his. “You can be such an idiot. You could never lose me.”

Eddie laughs then, tugging Buck closer. “You sure ‘bout that?”

“Unless another tsunami or law suit happens, then yeah,” Buck jokes, before pressing his forehead against Eddie’s. “We’ve got all the time in the world.”

Eddie kisses Buck’s cheek, before whispering, “For now, do you think you could settle for just me?”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](https://blueabsinthe18.tumblr.com/) if you're so inclined. ♥


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